I had an early access teacher come out today, and the lady was beyond nice, competent and knowledgeable. I felt a lot better just having her in my home and getting the process started. She was very validating. We scheduled occupational therapy, speech therapy, and are having an autism coordinator to come out and talk about different special education pre-school options for Finn. I also got an appointment time and date for Finn from the specialist's office. I think they were tired of me stalking them.
I don't care about getting a diagnosis or a label for him, I just want to start interventions as soon as possible because I feel like I have missed this for so long already. I feel like I should have started interventions on him like a year ago, looking back. But what can you do now?
Getting all these balls rolling was the best therapy. I haven't felt overwhelmed or cried one time today. =)
Speaking of crying, I feel like I owe people an explanation on why I have been so sad this week. I always feel like everyone is judging me, which I know to be projecting because I judge myself so harshly. No one has been judgmental or said anything pointed by any means! But, everyone knows I have always had a heart for special needs kiddos. Those are the kids I have always gravitated towards, and had the most love in my heart for. I have always planned on being a parent of kiddos with special needs via adoption. So, I can see why it would confuse people that I was so sad to initialy realize that Finn has special needs. It has been confusing for me too!
In fact, many of the times I have burst into tears these past few days have been over guilt for feeling sad. However, I never thought Finn would have to struggle as much as he is going to have to struggle to learn to communicate with the outside world. The fact that he is in pain and frustrated because he cannot communicate hurts me. A couple of weeks ago I thought I had a normal, perfect, brilliant kid - like every other parent. I still think he's perfect and brilliant, but I just realized he will likely never be "normal." Which, is fine, but is a HUGE, major perspective change that took a couple of days for me to cope with. Also, I have been very fearful because Finn over the past week has been communicating with me less and less, and flapping, pacing, and humming more and more. I have been terrified that he will continue to regress until there is nothing outwardly resembling the child I have loved and cared for during these last three years. Nothing in this life seems more terrifying to me than that scenario at this point in time. Hence, the tears. Many, many tears.
It's not that I don't still realize that God put Finn in my life for a reason, or that I don't realize that he is still amazing, and special, and a blessing. I know that all children are a blessing and Finn of course is the greatest of them all. My entire life was changed in the course of week, and I just needed time to grieve for that.
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