Finn has always be energetic, wild and fiercely independent. I tried not to take it personally that he has always hated to be held, cuddled or contained. He wants to be wild, running...free.
He lifted his head up independently to look around while I was still in the hospital recovering from my c-section. He wanted to see the world, not be held like a baby...even as a newborn. He rolled over at two weeks, because he hated tummy time so much because he could not look around. I have the video. He crawled early, and seemed always to be developmentally ahead of the game.
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| Finn 5 months |
But, I have been concerned about Finn's language skills compared to others his age for the past several months. Since at least this summer, maybe before. I was able to kind of write off my worries though, because Finn was obviously smart. He knew his ABCs, his shapes, his colors and could count to 20 by age two. He could do complex puzzles that seemed way advanced for his age. That's good for a two year old, right? He knows how to climb the ladder in our kitchen to get the snacks he wants, and pick out a DVD, put in the the player and use the buttons to start his movie. He knows how to scale a couch in seconds to get to a window when he hears the Mercy One helicopter go by. He is bright and intelligent and loves to laugh, and loves life. Certainly his language would get better.
Then it didn't. I would have patients Finn's age at work speaking in complete sentences, and would come home and wonder why I only got "Drink!" and a cup thrown at my head. I would drop him off at nursery and notice that other kids would excitedly yell, "Finn!" and try to interact with him or hug him, and get no absolutely no response or reaction at all from my kid. Why didn't he care at all about these other kids his age? I started to worry, but I was again able to explain it away. It's because he is an only child, and not in daycare. He's just used to be being a loner. He needs a sibling! I can do that!
The last couple of months have been tough on me emotionally because Finn has been having fits and outbursts because he cannot communicate. I knew it was frustration out of a lack of being able to express his needs to me, and I told myself it would get better when Finn was developmentally able to express himself better. When Finn didn't get his way in public - mostly if I was trying to hold his hand, or contain him in any way that he wasn't physically free - he would screech, and pull my hair, and try to gouge out my eyes. That or he would flop down and bang his head repeatedly on the floor. That was beyond embarrassing, and I felt bad like a bad mom, and felt that we were a "bad influence" on other kids, so I stopped hanging out with other moms with kids Finn's age until I could get my kid "under control."
Then, this past week the realization finally hit me. Finn has been doing an "arm flapping" for as long as I can remember. You can tell in his one year old photos.
Initially, it was cute. Babies flap their arms right? He would flap his arms when got excited and was really happy. When he saw a puppy, or a baby, or an exciting new toy.
Lately, however, I noticed the rate and incidence of his arm flapping was increasing dramatically. Not decreasing, like you would expect of a toddler. And that now, it seemed more like a tic. Like a tic one of my Autistic patients would often exhibit. Then, a little over a week ago at church, I watched my child pace in the pews, on his tip toes, flapping his arms incessantly, and screeching repetitively "Ummmm, ahhhhhh. Ummmmmm, Ahhhhhh." "Verbal ticks, and physical repetition, I have got to get this kid in to be seen for Autism," I thought. And then, Saturday while I was at work, Colin texted me a picture while I was at work, saying that Finn was going to like video games.
That seems innocent enough, but, to me this picture was like a punch in the gut. Why was my kid standing alone in a corner at Monkey Joe's flapping his arms and not out on the floor playing with other kids?
So I went immediately to Autism speaks website, did a screening evaluation that rated him high risk and advised that I take him in for an evaluation. I called first thing on monday, and made the appointment for today.
The doctor agreed that with the repetitive behavior and lack of developmentally appropriate communication, he probably has autism. He doesn't respond to his name you guys. I can go all day without eye contact. He goes out of his way to avoid communicating verbally with me, and will instead pull me by the hand and walk me to what he wants instead of using his words. He will say one word commands, like "Snack" pull me into the kitchen towards his desired snack instead of saying words that I know that he knows. He will touch my fingers to his shirt or pants and say, "clothes," to signal for me to take them off so he can run free in just his diaper. He doesn't like the restriction of clothes.
She doesn't want to label him yet, and we have to wait for a specialist for the official diagnosis. She then told me it would likely be 5-6 months before he would be able to be seen, but that she would try to pull some strings. But she basically agreed with my mom-nurse-diagnoses. My kid likely has ASD.
When I got home I called early access myself and asked for an in home evaluation. I should get a call back from them soon, so we can get early interventions started. I am also going to call Iowa City and try to get Finn in their earlier, if possible. As a nurse, I know what I need to do to care for this kid, and I was able to recognize the signs early. For that, I am grateful. Although, honestly, I am kicking myself for not seeing it sooner.
When I got home, I spent a lot of time sobbing. Wondering if I caused all of this because I am too absent as a mom. I work full time, and spend a lot of time at home studying. I became lax around one year, and let Finn watch TV before he was two. I didn't always take my folic acid. I know that Autism is part biological, part environment but I am his environment. So surely this is part my fault. I have these thoughts, knowing they are not completely rational and knowing that 1 in 42 boys in the U.S. have this same diagnoses.
I am sure when I have time to process and cope, I know I will move past this stage of guilt. All of these pregnancy hormones likely do not help.
Finn will be fine. I know that. He is an incredible kid. And I love him fiercely. I just want him to have the most possible joy and growth from life so I am going to work as hard as heck to make that happen.
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