Finn has made tremendous progress in therapy. I am grateful that he has mastered so many short-term goals. He has gone from a largely nonverbal kiddo who could not understand enough language to respond to simple commands that are important for safety like "stop," "stay," "come here," ect., to being able to understand multi-step, sentence-length instructions. He has a lot of memorized "scripted" speech, and conversational speech is still very hard for him. The other day his uncle asked "how are you doing?" And Finn was so excited to try to talk to him he excitedly responded, "I am doing, oh gosh, Robby, then play time want to check it out, and then some something else." Did it make sense? Not really. But it sure was cute to hear my boy trying so hard to be conversational. It's a step. He want's so hard to be able to communicate, but still lacks a lot of skill. It's still very unnatural and foreign for him.
Then again a year ago that question would have gotten you a blank stare, at the most. One more step.
I remind myself daily what a miracle it is to hear words from this boy. There was a time when I wasn't sure if the future would hold speech for Finn, and I am not immune to the fact that many momma's to kiddos on the spectrum will never get to hear their children's voice.
It is such a blessing that he has the ability to talk in age-appropriate sentences and that most times he can communicate his needs, (assuming he is not anxious or overstimulated). He can also make eye contact when his name is called, when in the past he could only look at a person from the corner of his eye. We have expanded his diet significantly. I could go on and on all day about progress we have made, but it would get boring fast.
Because of the tremendous progress we have made, I have been feeling pretty confident that my goal of mainstreaming him in kindergarten without an aide is more than on track, a goal that has been encouraged by his therapy team at The Homestead.
Honestly, it's been the great silent looming goal that I have had since diagnosis that Finn would have two years of ABA, and then he would be functioning like peers and be able to lead an independent life by kindergarten. If I did my job right as a parent, that would be the end result.
And, then his IEP meeting today. I found out that my sweet boy who made so much progress last year in preschool has really been struggling in his new, much bigger class. There isn't really any day-to-day communication with his teachers or staff like a receive with his therapists, so until IEP meetings four times a year I do not get to fully comprehend how he is doing in school. His teacher opined that he will need more support in the way of a full time 1:1 aide for kindergarten.
I didn't know how much my sweet boy was struggling with the extra stimuli, noise, and new kids (and less 1:1 instruction from his shared aide as a result). He's been anxious and overstimulated. He's been velcro on his teacher's knees begging for hug after hug (one of his coping skills to replace behavior like banging his head or biting himself, again, another step). I feel like I was kicked in the gut a bit when I realized he wasn't doing as well as I thought he was doing this whole time. It made me second guess myself if I've done the right thing by putting him in a traditional classroom instead of a special needs classroom. I do not wish my little boy's life to be such a daily, hard struggle.
For a minute anyways. Then I remember that while struggle is hard, it is also necessary for growth.
Finn got used to his class of 10 last year, up from his class of previous contained classroom of six, and he will get used to his class of 17 before it goes up to 20 something in kindergarten. These are necessary steps in our proverbial staircase. We are working on group skills in therapy right now, so we will add in some of the things that he is struggling in at school, like waiting, coping skills, sharing, turn taking. I think focusing on group skills will help, and we have a year to make progress.
So, we don't get to coast. We are never going to get to coast. My son's whole childhood has been an uphill battle of learning to overcome his communication, social, and sensory difficulties. We have learned how he learns, and we have learned to cope. I think if we could look down our figurative staircase at where we've been, how far we have come, the height would be staggering.
If he needs a 1:1 aide in kindergarten to comprehend, and learn and focus, then that is what he needs. Ultimately, the goal is middle school, high school and college. Class size is going to continue to go up and up and up, and my son is going to have to learn to cope in order to truly succeed at learning, and to prepare him for an independent life. There are people out there. And they all make noise. That's not going to change if I hide him in a small, insular class that is safer and easier for him. He could live in a bubble, but he isn't going to thrive in one.
Ultimately, my goals for Finn are not important. The imaginary timeline that has been in my head is unimportant.
The only thing that is important is that he is able to learn as much as he is capable of and if he needs an aide to accomplish that, then that is what we will need to do, for as long as we need to do it.
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