My first mother's day

As I begin the morning of my first mother's day, I find myself awake at two am with a baby asleep in my lap reflecting how I got here, to this place in my life where I call myself someone's mommy. I certainly never saw myself getting married, and although I've always intended to adopt children, being pregnant was never in my life plan. However, God always has the better plan for us, right? My life isn't the way I envisioned it being. However, it is way, way, way better. (Way). 

Back when my life was easier I used to blog on a daily basis. I used to have a whole lot to say, but not much to do. My life is no longer as easy as it once was but I like it that way, because it is also no longer as dull and the author of this new blog is wiser. I'm more engaged in loving life more fully as well as newly committed to loving those that I share this earth with, and determined to be less complacent when faced with injustice. Over the last few years I have blogged less, because I have been focused on actively living, with an emphasis on action. I have moved across the country by bus with one suitcase (mostly full of books), on nothing more than a gut feeling (that I believe was divine in nature) that it was time for a change. Years ago, I was living in Florida in a rut where I was settling for a job I didn't love and a life I was far less than passionate about living. If I am honest with myself now, I can say I was simply going through the motions. Then, I decided to follow the advice of Mahatma Gandhi who famously stated that the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. I became a nurse and travelled to Africa on a medical mission, before coming back to Des Moines where I graduated nursing school, and began working for the county hospital (that is actually an 18 county, county hospital).  I enjoyed the opportunity to serve others daily. To hold the hand of a dying patient without any family, to cry with the family of a patient who was blessed enough to have people in their life to mourn them, and bemoan the suffering of those that could only pray for the comfort of a life after death.

And it worked, Ghandi. I found myself. Or maybe I created myself, because it was deliberate WORK that was put in place in effort to build my character. But I found more than just myself. I found my church, my friends, my faith, and my husband. It seemed that once I began serving and loving others, it changed me into a person that others wanted to know and love as well.  Just when I began to believe I was the kind of person worthy to be loved, I met my husband.

I met Colin through young singles at church, which I attended begrudgingly, only a couple of times, and only then to appease my bishop. The few times I went I dragged along my brother, or my best friend so I could interact with them, and avoid having to interact with others. One time, though, there was a cute boy who impressed me with his rant about religious tolerance, and chivalry. He pulled out my chair for me, and took my coat. Who does that? Colin, doesn't remember doing any of this and denies that he is that nice. However, I think that he is SO kind, that acts like that just come so naturally to him, and not always intentioned. 

So, I was friends with Colin on Facebook but it wasn't until he allowed me to participate in an event he came up with that I began to really have an interest in him. Colin won a small grant to be able to pass out flowers to strangers downtown, via something called "The ripples project," which does good unto others, hoping that it will create a "ripple," and that they would in turn, do good unto others. Colin and I passed out two flowers to each person we came into contact with that would accept them. One for them, and one to pass on to brighten someone else's day. I left him that day being very impressed with his character. What guy would spend their weekend doing such a quiet, unselfish act? Not one that I had ever known. We hung out a lot after that. And each time we did I became more impressed with him, and quickly developed feelings for him. Which scared me, as I had gone 26 years without ever having romantic feelings for anyone. In fact, I had convinced myself incapable of them. I assumed that I was just too damaged. 

I am glad that I wasn't incapable of love, because fall in love I did. Although I didn't feel comfortable calling it that, even to myself, for a long time. But I did know pretty soon that I had feelings for him, and I told him so. The gutsiest thing I've ever done, as my greatest fear has always been rejection. Only, for once I didn't fear rejection. But rejected I was. He told me, he didn't feel the same. I wasn't sad. I was honestly a little relieved that I could remain unattached and comfortable. But although not sad, I was very confused. Because I just kept having this (again divine in nature) gut feeling that we were meant to be together. So I prayed to God that if we were meant to be that he would feel that, and think about me often, and that his feelings would grow to match mine. If that was what God intended. If not, I prayed that I would be able to move on and be happy and fulfilled remaining unattached. A couple of months later we were married with a baby on the way.

That baby is the light of my world. Finnigan Kennedy Faux is such a sweet soul, that I am looking forward to having the blessing to watch grow into a wonderful, compassionate man like his Daddy. And my new little family is the reason for this blog. I want to be able to document our day to day life, so that I can look back and remember events, thoughts, and feelings that I would otherwise forget forever. Every day of my life these days is special and to be cherished, and I don't want to forget or miss a single detail.

This, my first mother's day, I celebrate what a blessing it is to be a wife and a mother. Nothing in life has ever been more fulfilling.

I hope to be able to blog on a regular basis to document my thoughts, beliefs, actions, and growing family. I also hope to use this blog to network with adoptive families, because we intend on adopting to add to our family in the future and I know there are plenty of amazing families we can learn from who have created their family by saving some of the hundreds of millions of orphans that share this planet, and I hope to be able to learn from them.

This will hopefully be the start of a great journey.  I seem to seek and crave those lately.